torrential

I must start posting, I must start posting. I really hate these gaps in getting something on this blog. I used to do that when I kept journals, and then every few months there would be a post summarizing the elapsed time. Which just kind of sucks. Especially now that I'm trying to chronicle a baby, who is literally growing and changing EVERY day.

The problem is time (isn't that always the problem?). Before, time felt like it was going fast, like a swift river. Like, if you had the right boat, you could catch it and ride it (not that I did that very effectively). But now it's a 200-foot waterfall and I'm sort of just tumbling around in the rocks. The weekdays, especially, run together in a kind of (controlled?) chaotic blur. It's kind of good for me, not being able to worry and obsess about things. But it's mostly bad because I feel like I'm missing everything and not doing anything except working and dishes and baths and blechchch. Like all the stuff I have to be doing, and none of the stuff I'd like to be doing. Especially with Ainsley. I kind of had a vision of our family doing fun things together - taking trips, making things, learning things, having adventures, living rich lives. I know she's still a little young, but at this rate I feel like we'll never be able to do those things. And that makes me feel like I've failed already. Is this how everyone feels? I'm not sure - Mike and I both come from families of teachers. Trust me, it's not that I don't think teachers work hard - they do. But at least there were summers. Even though my parents always did other work in the summer, I still remember running around fairs and art festivals while my parents worked in the Corn Crib, our family cotton-candy-snowcones-popcorn concession stand that we towed around Black Hills all summer. I remember helping my mom plant a garden every year. I don't know if I'll ever be able to teach that to Ainsley, because who has time to plant a freakin' garden? It breaks my heart.

I don't know what the answer is. I think I've learned that I don't want to be at home full time, not that we could afford it anyway. I mean, a 5-hour-a-day job would be ideal, but we all know that doesn't really exist. So I don't want to not work, but I just want MORE TIME. Maybe that's the existential dilemma. Maybe years of grasping at time is what makes all of our parents crazier and crazier as they age. And maybe, inevitably, that is the direction we will go in as well, no matter how hard we fight.

lunch post

I think I have to start posting over lunch at work because I don't know when else to do it. I'm already getting up a 5:15, attempting to work out, then daycare drop-off, then work, then the blur through dinner and bath and books and bottles and after all that I obviously turn into a (very sleepy) pumpkin, and what would come out of my brain onto this blog at that time of night would be mostly stringy pumpkin seed mush and nonsense. So, lunch time it is, at least today. But now I'm sitting here, and I have stagefright, and nothing to write about. Gahhh! I just can't win.

enfermo

My work computer is SICK. It just started spazzing out yesterday, so I think I have a trojan horse or some other bad virus, but my virus scan didn't find anything, nor did the two other malware scanning programs I downloaded from microsoft. Luckily I backed up a bunch of files on a flash drive before everything went south, so I have most of what I need in case my hard drive needs to be wiped or something drastic like that. This happened at my old job, and that is indeed what had to happen to fix it. I guess that is the internets for you - everytime I think I have her broken, she bites.

Anyway, the irony of all this is that despite it being the weekend, I'm presenting on a webinar next week to the small business admin and REALLY need to work on the powerpoint, because they don't generally let me out in front of people and I would like to do a good job. We finally got a new computer desk yesterday, so Mike is dilligently working to get that put together so I can work on our home computer this afternoon without sitting on the floor. It'll be fine, I'm sure, it's just been a relentless string of crazy little things around here for the last couple of weeks that sort of feel like a big crazy thing when you add them all up. Also, I'm a little annoyed because it would be great to actually have the weekend to hang out and enjoy our new house instead of running endless virus scans and putting together furniture and generally taking care of stuff. A girl can dream. On top of it, Ainsley has been waking up in the night for the last couple of days which is a little weird. I think she's just getting hungry and it's probably time to start her on cereal. She's just a week shy of four months and the doctor said starting solids at four to six months is fine, so maybe that'll be the project for this week.

grumpsickle mcgee

Finally, FINALLY the baby is asleep. I guess it was ill-advised to keep her up until 11:00 last night skyping with Mike's mom and my sister, no matter how awake she seemed to be. We got her from daycare after work and her sheet said she slept for ONE HOUR AND 15 MINUTES today. That's it, after she went to bed at 11:00 and got up at 5:30 this morning. That's the ironic thing about tired babies - when they're extra-super tired, they do everything in their power to NOT sleep. Anyway, one hour and 15 minutes of naps does not a happy baby make. So all night she's been over-tired and bawling and cranky, which was so weird because now that she's out of the new baby phase she's been all smiles and giggles and fun every night. I couldn't even remember what to do. It's like when you're used to them sleeping through the night and they happen to wake up at 1:30, like Ainsley did the other night, you feel like you're going to DIE despite the fact that you were getting up a zillion times a night for months.

Anyway, I finally put Ainsley in our bed and laid with her for a few minutes and she went right out. I hope she doesn't make the connection that incessant crying equals mom and dad's bed. I'm weak-willed, I will cave in a second. When she was still in the bassinett, we never let her sleep with us overnight because I think it would have been hard to sleep well, but in the morning after she ate at 5 or 6 or whenever I'd always lay her down between us and snooze with her for the last hour or two before getting up. It was, and still is, one of my favorite things, just lying there smelling baby head and watching her sleep. I have a feeling that never gets old, even when she's 3 or 6 or 12 ... or in college. I'm not afraid.

wall

The wall has officially been hit. I think the 10-year reunion and 4th of July festivities this weekend pushed me (us) over the edge to exhaustion. Then Mike got some kind of pukey flu Sunday night and all day Monday, and I've been popping airborne like candy for a sore throat, so I think we're all just done. Except the bambino, of course, she is getting more and more energy and staying awake for longer and longer. Which is actually a ball, despite the tiredness in our bones. She's SOOO alert and has been rocking these crazy flypaper hands on tentacle arms that grab EVERYTHING in site and deposit it in her mouth. It's hilarious, except I took a bubble bath with her last night (first time in the jet tub = awesome), and she was scooping all the bubbles into her mouth. She is an amazing little peanut these days, actually. In some ways, it's getting harder to leave her at daycare every day because she's so much fun.

The new house continues to be fabulous. We had our first thunderstorm last night, which is quite an experience up on this hill with these big windows. I was kind of freaked out, because I am a chicken, but I had Mike and Ainsley to keep me safe. Mike is an east river boy, so weather doesn't scare him ... and Ains slept right through it, even without a curtain on her window yet (getting there).

I'd love to post it in one of my loverly drawings, but our walmart computer desk disentegrated in the move and the thought of going all the way downstair to sit and photoshop on the floor isn't very appealing. I think I'd rather go to bed.

moved - ish

Not sure how many more things we could have fit into the last two weeks. Packing, moving, whole family trip to Sioux Falls, crazy work, blechhch. Hence, no time for blogging. Didn't have internet at home, anyway.

But things are shaping up. The new house is kind of a mess and we still have some painting in the basement to do, but I am really LOVING living here so far. We were sad when we went to pick up the cat (the last thing) from our old house, but that faded fast. It's just such a nice feeling to have enough space and storage. We are situated up on a hill, and at night I can see the lights of the rest of the development below from bed, which is a really cozy feeling. We have so many big windows that we just open everything up after work and it cools off fast. We've only turned our A/C on once, actually.

It's just such a good feeling to be in a home we can actually be in for a while. I didn't realize how aware I was of being quiet for the renters, of how much anxiety I had from being crammed into that small space. This is already so much better. That house was great for us as a starter home. It was a special set-up that actually helped us be able to buy a house, the equity from which helped us be able to afford this house. It was a good fit then, and now this is a better fit. That was a couple's home, this is a home fit for a family. I feel blessed.

On the baby-front, Ainsley slept in her crib for the first time last night! I know it was time when I woke up yesterday morning and her leg was kicked up over the edge of the co-sleeper. Bassinets are not for giant monster babies!

Ok, off to procrastinate unpacking. Peace.