my skin hurts

Whenever I'm crabby or grumpy or whiny, I like to tell (whine to?) my husband that "my skin hurts". Ugh, I think it's hereditary. The baby has been fairly inconsolable the past couple of days. She's fallen into a pattern of eating (but not a lot) every hour or two (if I'm lucky), falling asleep for 15 minutes and and then waking up grunting and fussing and building into full out screaming, only consolable by feeding her again. I would think maybe it's the formula we're giving her, but she does it after breastfeeding, just the same (probably worse). And she's actually been really sleepy at night, just waking up to eat every few hours and going right back down. You'd think if it was acid reflux she'd be more uncomfortable at night, being laid down on her back. Part of me thinks she's just really becoming aware of her surroundings and getting sensory overload or something - that or a growth spurt and she just can't get full. She's been sleeping most of this afternoon, so hopefully we're on the upswing. I hope so, it's been really frustrating. Her crying is honestly my least favorite sound in the world - I would almost call in gut-wrenching. I can't explain - I know crying babies aren't generally soothing, but when it's your own it's nuts. I feel like it's some kind of animalistic evolutionary cavewoman thing, almost to where I can't deal with it. We were at my parents' house last night, and my mom took the baby upstairs for awhile to give me a break. I could still hear crying and it was giving me anxious knots in my stomach. Same when Mike takes her. I wish it didn't make me feel like that - it would be nice to have a true, honest, break when she's on a fussing marathon, especially when I've been on fuss-bucket detail alone all day.

But, like I said, the seas seem calmer this afternoon. I've still been letting the baby fall asleep with me holding her after she eats, but then I put her in her crib for the rest of her nap (we'll graduate to getting her to actually fall asleep in her crib another day). I heard the fuss-grunting start up a bit ago, and then it stopped and she fell back asleep on her own. It's a start.

Ok, duty calls - I just heard a super-poop from the other room. I hope it didn't shoot out of her diaper (again). All the hollywood moms were right, this motherhood thing is tres chic!

relieved

Yikes, intense last post. I've decided to deplane the breastfeeding crazy train and just try to do what feel right for us - and lighten up a little in the process. We started giving the baby one formula bottle a day, for her bedtime feeding at 10 or 11 pm. Since Mike takes the "rock to sleep" shift it's actually worked out marvelously most nights - I can go to bed at 9:30 or 10 and then I don't have to feed the baby until 3:00 or 3:30 in the morning. Those couple of hours of uninterrupted sleep are indescribably wonderful, and it's a relief that the baby didn't balk at formula (or get sick or turn into a leprauchaun or whatever happens when you don't exclusively breastfeed). It's actually made me calmer at other feedings, knowing that the baby won't starve if I fall into an uncovered manhole. In fact, on Friday we pretty much just sat on the couch all day, watching DVRed episodes of the West Wing, eating, napping and playing. It's really the first time I've done that since we came home from the hospital. I guess it was the new mama anxiety keeping me from relaxing, despite the instructions to take it easy after the c-section. I can see the end of maternity leave in sight, and I know I won't have much opportunity to just snuggle after I go back to work. Not to mention the baby is already growing like a weed and probably won't want to snuggle with me pretty soon. Speaking of growing up - big girl is smiling and cooing - it's super cute.

struggling

I have to be honest, as I close in on my first full month as a mother, I am still struggling with breastfeeding. It's hard to explain, it just doesn't feel how I thought it would. I feel like a buffet most of the time, like I can't comfort the baby well because all she wants is food from me. I don't like the unpredictability of the feeding schedule, I don't like not knowing if she's getting enough to eat. For something so natural, it still doesn't feel natural to me. It feels cumbersome and messy. Whenever I know there's a feeding coming up, I get bad anxiety and I dread it. Despite cuddling and talking during feeding time, I still don't feel like I'm nourishing or nurturing my daughter, I feel like I'm disappointing her, like she can sense my apprehension. I'm a textbook over-analyzer, so coupled with sleep deprivation I'm sure that is greatly responsible for my negativity. But whatever the reason, sometimes I think that negativity is impeding on both of our enjoyment of the very short window of exclusive time I have home with the baby before going back to work.

Then there's the internets. If half of new mothers bottlefeed from the start, why can I only find pro-breastfeeding information online? I understand there are benefits to breastfeeding, but I can't find the actual studies. I did find one article that explores the link between wealthier, more-educated women and the benefits of exclusive breastfeeding. True, their babies were overall healthier, with higher IQs - but these women also tended to have higher IQs, and provided more stimulating and healthier prenatal and home environments. Once the wealth/education factor was removed from the study, the benefits shown from exclusive breastfeeding disappeared. The I think of two of my friends who breastfed exclusively - one for 6 months, the other for a year. The former has had three ear infections and RSV in the last two months. The latter has asthma and allergies. So I'm not sure about the claim that breastfeeding is a magic bullet.

Speak of the devil, duty calls and I will gladly oblige. But I definitely have more thinking to do.

dormir

Last night the baby developed an aversion to her co-sleeper bassinet, I think because snuggling while sleeping with mom or dad is much preferable (there was a lot of that yesterday since it was a Saturday). I was up with her from 12:30 to 3:00, Mike got 3:00 to 4:00, I got 6:00 to 8:00 and she finally went down until 10:00. Crazay. At least it was a weekend so I could recruit Mike for rocking duty. I was not doing so well going into the second hour. Mad love to all the parents of colicky babies out there, ones who actually cry for hours. I think I would freak. Ours just grunts, fusses and kicks her legs a lot. But I don't think she once busted into full-out crying. Poor little nugget, I don't blame her. Where would you rather sleep? Here's to a more restful tonight.

better and bored ... er

This mommyhood stuff seems to be getting easier. I think we've passed the steepest part of the initial feeding-burping-sleeping-changing learning curve. There's still plenty of incline, but I definitely feel less anxious and have more confidence. This has really been the first week where I think back about life before baby and get an empty, sad feeling. Before this I was just so overwhelmed, I was having flashes of feeling wistful about the simplicity of pre-parenthood. But now, even in the middle of the night when we're going into the second or third straight hour of feeding and changing, I feel priviledged in a way. We are very lucky to have this healthy little girl, and I can't believe the ways that she's grown and changed already.

Outside of taking care of the baby, maternity leave is taking some getting used to. I got the go-ahead to start working out next week, so that will give me (us) and excuse to get out of the house each day go on walks. I might try the gym with the baby - if I go in the morning right after she eats I think I'll be good to use one of the machines for awhile if she's in her carseat. She's such a good baby - if she's full she's usually sleeping or just chilling, taking things in. So that will help a lot to get us both on a little bit of a schedule. I really do appreciate being able to take this time off, it's just quite an adjustment from working full time.

small victories

Ugh - I felt defeated today. I don't know what the deal was - I just felt overwhelmed and anxious and isolated. I think it was time for the week to be over and have Mike home for a weekend. Plus his mom came to town tonight for Easter weekend, so all day I was feeling like I needed to get the house clean - which is hard to do when you aren't supposed to lift or vacuum. I guess, too, I'm just a little afraid I'm sliding into postpartum depression or something, so every bummer day feels like teetering on the edge, when it could very well just be sleep deprivation and normal new mom feelings.

But then there were some good things, too, today. My parents came over and watched the baby while I ran to buy some interim jeans. I learned the problem isn't so much that I can't fit into my old size of pants (I'm actually really close) - it's more that the rise of most normal pants hits right at my incision so it's really uncomfortable. Then I went to the doctor for a post-surg checkup and everything looked great - they kept saying they couldn't believe I had a c-section two weeks ago. That made me feel good somehow - plus I can start working out a little in about a week. Also, it's kind of catty, but there were lots of new moms in the doctor's office waiting room (with new babies in carriers) and, man, I shouldn't feel so bad. Granted, maybe I had a week or two on them postpartum, but they looked rough. Still in full sweats and everything. I didn't even wear sweats in public to Ainsley's first baby doctor appointment. It just made me feel even grosser - I would rather wear maternity clothes.

Hmm, what else was good? I checked on my Aflac disability and it looks like they already processed everything for that policy and the other hospitalization/sickness one I have. I didn't even send the form in for that one yet, but they must have just figured it out since they had permission to get info from the hospital. Which is awesome. I have a tendency to mistrust insurance companies in general - it's great to have one that just does what they say they're going to.

And then bathtime, tonight. If normal baths have been a 10 on the meltdown scale, this one was more like a three. Baby did so good. I guess I should always let her pee on me right before. :)

peep toe

Just like her dad, this kid thwarts all my attempts to keep her feet covered up.

over a week

A week and two days into this parenting thing and so far, so good. We had the first baby doctor appointment last Thursday and baby is doing great. She's back up to her birthweight, her lungs sounded great, she even demonstrated her strengthening digestive system by pooping all over the nurse. That made me feel better on the breastfeeding front. Good enough, even, to stop waking her up every couple of hours to eat. It was resulting in these weirdo spells of being awake for two or three hours in the middle of the night. Last night I just let her tell me when she was hungry - about every 3 or 4 hours, but she ate a lot more and went right back to sleep afterwards. Hopefully it wasn't just a fluke - I guess we'll see what happens tonight.

Mike goes back to work tomorrow. I think I'm ok with that (seeing as I made him stay home for three extra days). He's a little sad, I think, but what can you do? I can't believe how fast my leave is going already - I can't think about going back to work yet, it makes me a little sick, but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. I actually get two extra weeks of disability pay because of the c-section but I'm not sure if I should take it. I'm leaning towards it, because, why not? It's not like I'll be in the loop at all by then anyway so what's a couple more weeks if I'm getting paid for it? That would put us into mid-June and then I'm trying to orchestrate some grandma daycare (a week with my mom, maybe a week with Mike's mom if she wants to come stay). Something about hitting the three-month mark gives me some sense of security, however false it is.

Week 1: things that have surprised me

1. Breastfeeding is hard and more frustrating than I thought it would be. And I have had a relatively easy go of it, I think (not too sore, pretty good latching). It's just the constant demand, and it's hard for dad to help with that, especially at night. We're talking every hour sometimes. And it's SUPER messy. "What to Expect" defines baby girl as an "excited ineffective" nurser - she just gets so jazzed about eating that if the first latch doesn't take immediately, she completely melts down. So we've had a few battles where both of us come out dripping. Kind of gross, but true. I think it'll just get easier and I'm learning a few tricks. I also pumped for the first time today, so it'll be nice to have that option.

2. These hormones are INSANE. The first couple of days home were fairly awful. I mean, obviously I love this baby girl and there was joy, too, but I just felt totally in over my head and alone and absolutely crushed by the task ahead of raising a child. With each passing day and night this gets better, but I still have sort of a witching hour around dinner time when I get all nerved up - I think that's when the lack of sleep catches up to me the most. I made Mike stay home from work the rest of this week with me because I just didn't feel ready. I feel a little bad about it, but I think it was worth it for all of our sanity.

3. Jesus, babies go through a lot of diapers. I mean, A LOT. After we topped out at ruining five diapers during one changing (poop and pee everywhere) we learned a few tricks for keeping the explosions at bay, but even with that it's like a package of 40 every 2 days. It's crazy.

4. I'm still nesting, bad. I thought it would subside a little after pregnancy, or I wouldn't care as much because I'd be too tired, but I can't sit still. I suppose it's a little germaphobia having a little one in the house. Speaking of being pregnant, and I feel a little bad saying this, but I don't think I miss it at all. It's a little sad not feeling baby kicks, but now I get to kiss those baby feet after they kick and it's way better than heartburn and being huge and giant and disgusting. Plus my wedding ring fits again this week, which makes me feel whole.